Parent Q&A: Toddler Table Manners
Hey Rebekka-
Hope you're doing great! I wanted to chat with you about a little dinner dilemma we've been facing with Ruby, and I know you've got some awesome parenting insights.
So, here's the thing - Ruby has developed this "fun" habit of throwing her food on the floor during dinner. 🙄 Yeah, not the most charming dinner entertainment, right?
Ruby has developed this "fun" habit of throwing her food on the floor during dinner. 🙄 Yeah, not the most charming dinner entertainment, right?
Now, we're not sure how to handle it. Should we just stick to a firm "no" every time she does it? Or is there a more effective way to put a lid on this new trend?
We don't want to be too strict, but we also want to set some boundaries, you know? And we definitely don't want to turn dinner time into a battle zone!
We don't want to be too strict, but we also want to set some boundaries, you know? And we definitely don't want to turn dinner time into a battle zone!
We value your experience, and I thought you might have some creative ideas on how to deal with this without going full-on drill sergeant. 😅
Looking forward to catching up soon, maybe over coffee or something stronger (considering the dinner shenanigans, we might need it 😂).
Take care!
Non-Drill-Sergeant Daddy
Hey there!
Glad you brought this to me for support! What you're dealing with here is the confluence of at least three different developmental dynamics:
1) Ruby’s first big push for autonomy
The transition to walking/enhanced mobility brings about a revolution in self-concept for the toddler. This predictably leads to an almost allergic reaction to any intrusion (real or perceived) into the child's sense of autonomy.
The transition to walking/enhanced mobility brings about a revolution in self-concept for the toddler. This predictably leads to an almost allergic reaction to any intrusion (real or perceived) into the child's sense of autonomy.
Read: pushback during diaper changes, bath time, car seat time, stroller time, and high chair time. Toddlers can throw food to show that they're displeased about being sequestered and want to gain back some power/control! I often recommend ditching the high chair when such pushback occurs - get a simple booster chair that straps to a kitchen chair or if you're feeling fancy grab a Stokke trip-trap (which grows with your child) so that the child is now at the grown-up table. Even if your child eats before you usually do, mealtime is better when shared - so grab a beverage or salad and sit down to eat together with your favorite dinner companion!
2) Ruby learning about object permanence and cause/effect
Object permanence is a magic trick of human perception - it refers to the ability to know that an object may be out of sight, but it still exists. This is why very young babies love "peek-a-boo" games - they're experimenting with the notion that out of sight does not mean gone forever! Babies develop this ability some where in the latter half of their first year, but may still experiment with the idea (after all, babies are little scientists). So Ruby may be wondering, if I throw this food, does it still exist? When you pick it up and give it to her, you answer that question! And as my mentor is fond of saying, children don't need to learn object permanence at the dinner table.
Object permanence is a magic trick of human perception - it refers to the ability to know that an object may be out of sight, but it still exists. And children don't need to learn object permanence at the dinner table.
Moreover, there's a cause/effect phenomenon happening here - when she throws, she gets this very interesting reaction from her parents, so she may be investigating (again with the science) if this phenomenon is regular and predictable. Bonus points if the parental reaction is exciting or high-energy!
3) Ruby’s parents learning how to set limits with love and firmness (aka wholesome discipline)
To conclude item #2, when children are appreciably hungry at a meal time, they will eat the food presented to them. When they start to throw, they clearly aren't hungry or interested enough to eat, and thus they pivot to using the available tools to do something else interesting (i.e., SCIENCE!). When this happens, it's time to set a limit. The best limits are set with love and matter-of-fact clarity, the same way you would say "Water is wet" or "Rocks are hard." So here is what you can do and say. Look your lovely Ruby in her big adorable eyes and say gently: "I see you throwing that. When you throw food, you're showing me you're not hungry. If you throw again, you're showing me you're all done." And if she throws again, you say, "Okay, you let me know you're all done! I'll take you out of your chair and we can (move onto whatever is next in your family rhythm)." Bonus points for miming the "all done" baby sign as you say "you're all done" - making the connection that eventually she can communicate her doneness with this sign instead of throwing.
Look your lovely Ruby in her big adorable eyes and say gently: "I see you throwing that. When you throw food, you're showing me you're not hungry. If you throw again, you're showing me you're all done." And if she throws again, you say, "Okay, you let me know you're all done! I'll take you out of your chair and we can (move onto whatever is next in your family rhythm)."
Sometimes parents tolerate food throwing because they are concerned that their child won't get enough to eat and will be hungry, so they are reluctant to set a limit around anything having to do with food. However, I guarantee you that Ruby will not starve if her meal ends a little early as a result of a limit needing to be set, and it will reinforce that meal time is for eating until our bellies are full!
Give it a try tomorrow at dinner and let me know how it goes! You got this!
Rebekka
Rebekka Helford is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Los Angeles, California. With over a decade of experience working with parents and young children, Rebekka specializes in short-term intensive parenting consultation, using a variety of tools including home, office, and school visits to help families navigate developmental hiccups and get back on track. Virtual visits now available!
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