Parent Q&A: Transitions Are Tricky!
Hi Rebekka,
This is Richie’s mom. I am reaching out to you for any suggestions or resources. Briefly, our 3-year-old son Richie has a hard time with changes. Even very seemingly minor changes in daily routine and we are looking for guidance on how to help him get through them. A lot of his tantrums revolve around these changes in routine or ritual. With some of these changes we try to accommodate him (within reason), but other times, it's just not practical or it seems so neurotic and OCD-like, that we just cannot accommodate him and a tantrum ensues because he has a hard time moving past the change in routine.
For example, the other day he wanted our sedan parked behind our minivan in the driveway and not the other way around. Yesterday he wasn't able to see me drive into our driveway when I got home from work, he usually is able to, but something unforeseen had happened right before. Today, he wanted me to open a certain window in our home in the morning (because I'm usually the one to open it) and not my husband. There are many more examples of these "tiny" adjustments in our every day lives that end up derailing Richie's flow. He does eventually calm down, but the time it takes to move on can vary. Now I have some anxiety any time a change is warranted and I know Richie won't react well, even if we are able to give him some forewarning. These tantrums are becoming more frequent and we're just not sure what is the best way to help him through it.
We've had 2 moves, he has a new baby brother, and he started school all in the past year, so I'm not sure if he's latching onto certain daily constants in response to these life changes. Maybe I'm over thinking, but any resources (online or in-person, etc) or suggestions regarding this would be SO appreciated! We're struggling over here!
Thank you and I look forward to hearing back from you whenever you have a moment,
Having Trouble With Transitions
Hey friend!
I'm so sorry to hear that things are so tricky with Richie right now. Just as I was getting to the end of your email and wondering about what changes have been happening in Richie’s life as of late, you answered my question:
We've had 2 moves, he has a new baby brother, and he started school all in the past year, so I'm not sure if he's latching onto certain daily constants in response to these life changes.
No, you are not overthinking it, and I think you are 100% correct. Very young children who have had a lot of big changes in their lives (and Richie certainly has) can latch onto power struggles over small changes and transitions as a way of grasping for control in a life that has felt confusing and chaotic. When there are a lot of changes in a person's life, each change, no matter how small, can carry the weight of all the changes - and losses - that have come before. It's no wonder he's struggling to find some semblance of control! Without knowing more than what you've shared, I am wondering if you may be experiencing this dynamic with Richie. It's important to remember, especially with young kiddos, that all behavior is communication! A thematic group of behaviors may be expressing feelings about something going on in our environment or development, and in Richie’s case, perhaps a combination of both. As such, we are typically in the position of trying to translate or decipher what our children's behavior is trying to tell us about their lives and needs, and then respond flexibly and kindly to address those needs.
In service of helping Richie process the changes he's been through, as well as to help him navigate the daily shuffle of life (and the big feelings that may ensue), here are some resources and ideas for you. I'm also happy to schedule a consultation with the both of you to think more specifically about how to implement these ideas in your lives as well as reflect on how Richie’s behavior is affecting you!
Transitions - Moving house? Expecting a new baby? Check out "Tell me a story," an episode of my podcast about the power of of storytelling to help children navigate transitions both large and small.
Transitions are hard! "Getting from here to there means we have to let go of what we think we know and embrace something unknown." No wonder it seems that every transition takes 20 minutes when you have a tiny human! Erin Human over at Human Illustrations created this fantastic illustration about what she calls "Tendril Theory" describing how difficult it can be to switch tasks once we're engaged. Next time you ask your kid to transition, see if you can visualize their tendrils retracting and preparing to deploy into the next task!
It's time: Speaking of transitions, singing and offering fixed choices can help us navigate the shift from one activity to another. Check out my blog post about how to sing your way through transitions!
On becoming a family of four: Check out season 2 of my podcast (titled "Sibling Reveries") for a personal and professional, boots-on-the-ground perspective of my own transition to becoming a parent of two children. Also, my curated list of sibling stories features some of my favorite children's books for helping families navigate the addition of a second (or third! or fourth!) child.
MELTDOWN!!! With all that's happening in Richie’s life, he’s bound to be having a lot of big feelings, and those feelings are going to come out every which way but loose. I recorded an episode of Parenting Portal with Joanna Port all about meltdowns and tantrums - it offers both an understanding of why young children have so many big feelings and practical ideas on how to navigate them.
For more on tantrums, check out my podcast episode about how to navigate tantrums here (bonus follow-up episodes on "TANTRUM theater" and "Child-centered activity," also known as mindful observation, which we do in our groups!). The child centered activity is also a terrific proactive tool for helping kids feel connected to their caregivers in the midst of big transitions (like the arrival of a new sibling).
Good luck and take good care,
Rebekka
Rebekka Helford is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Los Angeles, California. With over a decade of experience working with parents and young children, Rebekka specializes in short-term intensive parenting consultation, using a variety of tools including home, office, and school visits to help families navigate developmental hiccups and get back on track. Virtual visits now available!
Click here to schedule an appointment or contact Rebekka with a question – who knows, she might even answer it in her next post!